3/6 Wilted Kale Trail Update
Three months ago I ran my first half marathon. It was one of the most profoundly moving experiences of my life. I trained in earnest with great enthusiasm and vigor for six months. Training stretched the limits of my body and my mind. By race day I felt physically ready and in the best shape of my life. While training, I realized that regular exercise fed my soul, helped my frequently sagging self esteem and helped me maintain what felt like the most comfortable body weight I had ever experienced. It felt good…I felt good.
Five days after we returned from Florida, our half marathon trip, I was in a car accident. The accident was enough to keep me out of work for several weeks and medicated for several more. As I was healing, Christmas pushed its way into our lives with all of its emotional trappings and energy absorption. More than a month had passed since I had last run.
Christmas turned in to the New Year which slid into my birthday month, which flew right by into March. Three months have passed and I have run less than a dozen times. My feelings of negativity about this sabbatical have all but tarnished my original accomplishment. I see the Runner Girl and 13.1 stickers on the KIA every time I am walking toward it and think,”Yeah, right. You don’t even run anymore.” My need to take time off to heal has somehow morphed into a self imposed moratorium on feeling worthy and proud of myself. I have decided that it stops right now.
I wanted to talk to you about this because I am confident that I am not the only one that has ever felt so negative about something that it has left them nearly paralyzed to make a positive change. Lets bring negative self talk into the light and expose it for the joy stealing, soul sucking, waste of time that it is; so we can rid ourselves of it…one situation at a time. If we continue to recognize and expose it, we will eventually reach for a different emotional response automatically and that will be life changing and wonderful. We can do this.
Image courtesy of Collegecandy.com
Some part of my rational mind realizes that physical exercise is a lifelong commitment…not something that expires or becomes tainted because we take time off. That has not stopped me from wasting space in my mind over the past three months berating myself. The paradox here is that no amount of belittling myself for not running has helped me to lace up my shoes and run. Negative self talk is not motivating. It is poisonous and detrimental to well being. Worst of all, it doesn’t even work. It creates a backlash that leads to paralysis and more negative messages.
This is a cycle that I am working hard to tear myself away from. I deserve more from my life and my daily experiences then to waste any part of them feeling negative about myself. It isn’t fair, enjoyable or healthy. I am willing to try and if you have ever played and replayed your own negative mental tapes, or said something unkind to your image in the mirror…I am asking you to try too. Today lets reward ourselves for trying, take a short walk or engage in an exercise we enjoy for however long we can give it. Lets do it because it feels good, not because our bodies aren’t perfect yet. Lets know with certainty that all we can do is exactly good enough and that we are perfectly perfect for our lives just the way they are. We are strong, beautiful and loving people. Lets have fun today because we deserve it and lets stop punishing ourselves for our own self imposed perceived wrongs.
I have some loving to do today and everyday for the rest of my days. Today I will look forward and stop looking back. Looking behind has only served to keep me stuck and I am ready to move forward…to run forward. One of my favorite sayings about constantly looking back by Louise L. Hay goes like this, “You wouldn’t make tonight’s dinner out of last nights garbage would you?” No, I wouldn’t, so no more looking back, its time to look forward.
Be kind to yourself and have a delicious day.
Tags: exploits of a vegan wannabe, Kale Trail update, positive affirmations, raising self esteem, vegan wannabe
March 6th, 2012 at 1:14 pm
You are the best!…..”I am the best”
March 12th, 2012 at 11:27 pm
You can do it, Sherry! I think the hardest thing after training for and finishing an event is remembering that the event is not the ONLY reason you did it, nor was it the only thing that made it worthwhile.
I hit the same wall after my last 13.1, and within three months, I was so out of shape that I did a New Year’s Day bike ride and came in second to LAST. Ouch.
But just because you haven’t run doesn’t mean walking Chloe or going for a bike ride or deep cleaning your house doesn’t count. All physical activity is rewarding, and I think that acknowledging being active as an essential part of your life – like eating, or sleeping – goes a long way in overcoming negativity. It’s part of who you are, even if you take a week or a month or three months off, and it has nothing to do with accomplishing anything.
Happy trails! Let me know if you ever want to go running – I’d be happy to join you!
March 16th, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Best advice I can think of is let go of your expectations and treat yourself like a 5-year old child…innocent, just learning about her interests and talents, and unafraid to try anything and keep on trying it and never self-judging. Play, try, stumble, play some more.